I look deep into Little Man’s eyes, like a hypnotist.
“Okay?”, I ask.
He just looks at me and smiles.
For me, this is fucking hell.
We’ve all been there and it sucks. Our kids are growing up and outgrowing so many little things we just adore. And when they are gone, they are gone forever and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Yup. It just fucking sucks.
That cloudy afternoon, as we were about to venture off into the day’s tasks and duties, we lost “Ochay.”
“Are you ochay?”
“Is mommy ochay?”
We loved hearing it. We laughed every time and would repeat it constantly. And now we would never hear it again. Like I said, gone forever.
This happens so many times through the early years that it’s hard to stay too down about each successive loss. There’s always some cool new thing that comes up. When Miss M was very young, we tried desperately to get her into Karate. The only way she would go was if she could wear a princess dress. And all she really did was colour. About a year ago, she asked to train again. This time she is really into it, works really hard and just earned her yellow belt. Damn cool.
All these little losses and newfound passions and abilities all add up to the painfully obvious. Our kids are growing up. And yes, I know, I’m not a complete fucking idiot, this is how this shit works. But what scares me through all these life changes is that my kids will need me less and less. Narcissistic as fuck? Yes it is.
Having kids has made me very aware of our mortality, of the stages of life, physical and emotional. There is so much to enjoy and there never seems to be enough time. So I just suck up each moment.
A few weeks ago, the whole family got knocked out by the flu. Miss M was the first to go down. That second night was bad. She woke up crying and calling for me. I covered her in Vicks, snuggled her tight, comforted her and made sure she fell asleep. And I stayed all night, just in case she woke up again, so I could be there for her. I was taking care of my daughter and there was no place in the world I would rather be.
This parenting thing really is heaven and hell. I’m not sure what I would do without it.